The "paradise" began to smell less like a spa and more like a public pool that had seen better days. Greg spent his Saturdays hunched over the water like a mad scientist, clutching test strips and bottles of pH-Down.

One Tuesday, Greg looked out the window. The Hydro-Zen sat cold and dark, covered in a fine layer of pollen and bird droppings. He realized he hadn't been in it for four months. It wasn't a portal to paradise anymore; it was a 400-gallon monument to his own hubris.

"Should've just bought a nice bathtub," Greg whispered, as he went back to balancing the pH one last time.